Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
