thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
