So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
this will be a night to untag.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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