Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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