this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
