Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize