the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize