it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
