She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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