how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
