Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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