I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
