It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
