You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
