so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
