roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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