I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Boobs are out for the taking
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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