I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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