Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
