so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
its liver damage thursday
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
