Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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