i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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