You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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