...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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