my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
