he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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