You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
soo... how was my night?
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