JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
