my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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