what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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