I've blown a few things in my day
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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