i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
