My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
