'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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