Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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