i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
