I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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