first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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