Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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