i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
