PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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