Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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