I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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