just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
