I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
