he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
