she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
