Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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