3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
