Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
