did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
