My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
