Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
