Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
