Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize